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Archive for March, 2011

Embracing ME

There are two things that I have always struggled with in my life – that I am now finally starting to love about myself. And I doubt it’s a coincidence that this acceptance is around the same time I am approaching the big 3-0.

First, as you can probably tell from my previous posts, I have a history of struggling with my weight and body image. I have yo-yoed in weight over the years…. from being a very fit child and teen to having been overweight and unhappy right after college. I have done WeightWatchers, and some other not so healthy methods of losing weight.

One thing that I often remember when I think of my “skinny” self a few years out of college, is how happy I tried to be when I was my thinnest. I was a size 6, sometimes even a size 4. I worried about every single thing I ate, I obsessed on the scale every morning, I monitored every minute at the gym. I was miserable. I was also hyper emotional about how I thought people perceived me. I wondered if I looked skinny enough to others and I couldn’t stop thinking about weight. I used to think if guys didn’t like me, it had to be because of my fat arms or my flabby stomach. My happiness hinged on the scale, and I was never more self-conscious or self-hating than I was at that moment.

Now, I am a solid and sexy size 12. I play sports, I exercise, and I eat what I want – which is sometimes healthy and sometimes not. But what’s changed in me is my ability to appreciate and love the way I look the way I never could years ago when I was 40 pounds lighter. The point here is, my happiness doesn’t have to hinge on how much I weigh, and it’s totally possible to think you are sexier and prettier even if you aren’t at your thinnest. Now, I want a guy who loves my curves, but more importantly, loves my personality, my humor, my intelligence. Just as much as my rocking T & A.

Second, I used to stress to INSANE proportions about my family. I would look at friends, classmates and colleagues — wondering why I didn’t have the “normal” family that they had. I wondered why I didn’t have the things that every other girl seemed to have. I thought I was missing something that everyone else was happily enjoying. Then something clicked in me — family has nothing to do with blood or DNA. Family members can let you down just like strangers… and that is why your real family is made up of the people that love and support you unconditionally, no matter what their relation to you. And I am truly lucky to have family and friends that do that for me. Traditional family structure be damned – I have the best family in the world and I am damned proud of it.

This year (and yes, I know it’s only fucking MARCH), has been an amazing growth year for me… and I can imagine that might have something to do with it being the last full calendar year of my 20s. I have always looked forward to my 30s, expecting a new worldliness and sexiness that it would bring to my life. And you know what, it’s flipping true.

I think this post started when I was watching Lisa Ling’s new show on the OWN network called “Our America.” The most recent episode focused on people who were going to various Christian ministries to “pray the gay away,” hoping faith could make them straight. It made me deeply sad that because these people’s faith ran so contradictory to who they so obviously were – they had to change every last thing about them. They had to “fix” themselves.

I think this is just plain awful. I suppose I could have done this in a less dramatic way… I could have continued to force myself to be a size 4, continued to believe I would only find happiness as a skinny girl, and tried to make my traditional family relationships work even beyond what they were capable of. And I could be completely miserable. No, I WOULD be absolutely catatonic.

I suppose the moral of my story is sometimes you just have to grow up to truly learn about to embrace yourself. And that’s what I hope I am getting better at every day…. embracing me.

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I am a hippie, but a super fab one.  I do weird things like burn sage and take yummy little supplements that taste like whiskey called tinctures.  I also summon the Uni when I am really feelin’ something.  You know you’re working with the universe when things aren’t crazy hard and they just happen.  If you feel like you’re paddling against the current, you’re working against the killer U, so just stop whatever it is that you’re doing, and start over again with a different perspective.  When amazing things happen and just materialize out of thin air, that’s when you and the universe are in perfect harmony.  It’s totally magical!  Just visualize yourself as you want to be.  For example, if you’re dream is owning your own business, just visualize yourself as a business owner, any facet of it, doing any business owner thing, and do it for like a half hour every day.  Really feel it, like if you want a new car, think about yourself being super cool, cruising around in your sweet new ride, going to the dealership and shaking that slimy salesman’s hand and seal the deal to buy that car!  It sounds cheesy, and weird, I know,  I’m having a hard time believing that I’m writing this myself, I sound like a member of the PTL club. Whatevs, sometimes you gotta just believe in it, and I’m living proof of that, many times over. So visualize your dreams and desires, and never give up! I’m going to go get my eyebrows tattooed now, bye.

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Jeans + Leggings

While I tried to avoid the leggings/jeggings trend at first… I have since fully embraced it. It’s been sort of nice to see other ladies come around, especially one of my favorite bloggesses – Dodai Stewart – over at Jezebel. Even Conan has gotten in on the trend. And hell, we all know Gaga started this no-pants business.

But how does one go back, after fully experiencing the comfort and joy of not wearing actual pants? I don’t think I can just wear leggings, jeggings, and hose the rest of my life… can I?

I think the only way I can re-enter the life of wearing real pants/jeans is by finding some that fit me WELL. We all know this is a pretty impossible task. I, for one, loathe trying things on in the store. I am much more likely to buy something I think fits, and then try it on at home. If it doesn’t look right, I will just return it. (Yea, I know this sucks for you retail folks out there, but I have bought waaay too many clothes that were at least three times too large for me because I was feeling particularly fat that day shopping.)

I am also a pretty big cheap skate when it comes to jeans. I have a hard time rationalizing paying over $30 for one pair of jeans – so that leaves me with trying to make do with the likes of Target and Old Navy. Don’t get me wrong – both great stores, but not exactly known for their “perfect fit” jeans.

While it’s great that there are companies that offer jeans seemingly catered to the curvy gal (as researched by this fellow blogger), my sister broad Anita Scotch pointed out to me that its more than a little disheartening to see the models for these “curvier” jean options are at best a size 0. Maybe size 2. So how am I supposed to actually SEE how these jeans look so great on a curvier girl. What looks good on a size 0 doesn’t exactly translate to us ladies in size 12.

Luckily, spring and summer are just around the corner, so I might not have to worry too much about having to find pants since skirts and dresses are acceptable ways to dress. But what about next fall and winter? What if leggings are suddenly completely not cool? (OK – sure, I know I won’t care and still wear them.)

But, I suppose if I am ever to wear pants again – I am going to  have to do some serious research, do things I don’t like (like trying on clothes), and pony up some cash.

Until then… you my girl if you wear jeggings.

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